


it's like i don't know how to be a person in the right way sometimes

by Princex_N



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Brian has ADHD, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Entry 51, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Light Angst, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - RSD, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23187385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: He'strying, of course. He really does want to help with this film and do itwell, but filming is the best when the others are around because it's something to focus on besides the weird quiet and the need tostand still(which Brian has never been very good at) and making sure that none of the thoughts bouncing around in his head come out of his mouth (which is another thing Brian has never been very good at).
Relationships: Alex Kralie & Brian Thomas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	it's like i don't know how to be a person in the right way sometimes

Brian knows that he's been goofing off a bit. 

He and Alex are in some old burned out doctors office, and Brian's admittedly a little nervous about it. Alex seems confident that it's fine, but Brian can't stop thinking about the possibility of getting arrested for trespassing, or not being able to afford an ambulance if one of the ceiling tiles falls on one of them. Also, Alex is very clearly going for one of those quiet and introspective feelings that this movie is full of, and Brian isn't very good at those. 

He's _trying_ , of course. He really does want to help with this film and do it _well_ , but filming is the best when the others are around because it's something to focus on besides the weird quiet and the need to _stand still_ (which Brian has never been very good at) and making sure that none of the thoughts bouncing around in his head come out of his mouth (which is another thing Brian has never been very good at). 

Besides, he also just wants to make Alex laugh. He's been weirdly serious lately, somber and a little stern (that's putting it nicely, some days). Brian knows that he's been stressed out, because of college and this project and the financial uncertainty of having to pay out of pocket to work on an assignment for a class you're also paying for. It makes sense, sure, but Brian doesn't want Alex to get so caught up in the serious perfectionism that he forgets to have _fun_ filming the movie he's been working on for so long. 

It's supposed to be a quiet scene, Brian knows that this time because Alex had told him _before_ he'd started filming and Brian had been Paying Attention, but something pops into his head while he's staring out into the trees, and he's grinning as he opens his mouth (oops), but this time Alex interrupts before he can get any of the words out. 

"Brian," he snaps. "Can you please just take this seriously, for _once_?" 

Brian shuts his mouth so quickly his teeth clack together, a hot swell of shame cresting in him like a wave. "Yeah, sure," he says quickly. "I'm sorry." 

Alex grunts, and Brian turns back towards the window he's supposed to be looking out of. Christ, he's such a fucking idiot. Always fucking around when he's supposed to be taking things seriously - maybe Alex isn't the one who needs to change his attitude. Maybe he's been so strict and serious lately because Brian is the one who keeps goofing off on camera and setting things back. It'd be just like Brian to try and help only to be the one ruining everything instead. 

Fuck. 

He keeps his gaze outwards, resists the urge to look back at Alex to check and see if he's mad. Clenches his jaw and bites down on the side of his tongue because the last thing Alex needs or Brian _deserves_ is for him to burst into tears like a fucking loser. 

He hopes it doesn't show on his face how close he is to it anyway. Brian can't remember exactly what part of the movie this is for, but he's pretty sure that crying isn't supposed to be a part of it. 'Pensive' and 'On The Verge Of Tears' are two very different expressions, and Brian doesn't want to fuck things up any worse than he already has. 

(He _did_ read the script. He'd been reading snatches of it whenever he could steal them while Alex worked on it, and then had read the whole thing the exact same night Alex said he had finally finished it.)

(Okay, so some of the lines were difficult for him to wrap his head around and some made his eyes skip around the page a bit, but Alex had put a _lot_ of work into it and Brian isn't some illiterate moron. He read the whole thing and hadn't been lying when he'd told Alex he'd loved it, because even though it was kinda weird in places it was obvious that Alex had been trying so hard with it, and Brian could love it for that if nothing else.)

(But then Brian had actually gotten a part in it, had gotten the _lead_ part in it, and he's _tried_ to memorize it all right, but he keeps losing his copy of the script and he's never been good at studying in the first place, so he just kind of does his best and tries to remember how the story flows by listening to Alex talk about it between shots or before he starts the camera rolling. It's probably not the _best_ practice for an actor, Alex probably deserves someone better, but Brian is working with what he's got.) 

Brian _wants_ to do this right. He wants to be one of the ones who was able to help Alex get this done, and definitely doesn't want to be the one who ruins it all for everyone. 

But here he is, practically in tears and probably ruining the shot _again_ just because Alex had (totally justifiably) told him to knock off the goofy shit and try to do it right the first time. 

He hears Alex sigh off to the side, and sinks his teeth in further because he was stupid enough to be _obvious_ enough that Alex saw. Brian ruined it again, and now he probably made Alex feel like he had to stop and comfort him when Brian is the one who should be apologizing. He feels a new rush of guilt swamp over him, thick and cloying, and the tears well up in his eyes all over again - god _dammit_. 

"Hey, Brian," Alex says softly. "I'm sorry I snapped, I just-," 

"No," Brian says hurriedly, not quite able to look at him right because the sound of Alex's voice had made the tears actually start falling and that's mortifying, so he just sort of gestures vaguely even as he tries (and probably fails) to wipe them away as quickly and subtly as he can. "No, you were totally right. I was goofing around. Just, give me a second, I'm really sorry. I can do it right," he promises, words rapid fire over his tongue even as his throat threatens to close over the tight pressure swelling in it. 

So fucking lame. 

Alex probably knows. He probably _remembers_. The two of them had sat next to each other in that one writing class and Alex had been Right There when Brian had nearly dissolved into tears after the professor had suggested that the concept he had tumbled down a rabbit hole over might be better suited for a different project. The ADHD is not exactly a big secret (it wouldn't be a very well kept one if Brian had been trying in the first place - if nothing else because he can't stop himself from making jokes about it all the time), but this part never gets any less embarrassing. Shouldn't he be better than this or something? 

"I know you can," Alex says, and Brian hears the beep of the camera being turned off and _god_ , he feels like he's dying. "That's why I picked you for the role; I know that you're taking it seriously. I knew you would from the start." 

He steps closer, a little awkwardly, and Brian tilts his face further away and tries to decide if taking a step back would only make things worse or if it's what he even wants to do in the first place. 

"I keep getting caught up in the pressure," Alex continues when Brian doesn't say anything. "I've made films before without it all getting to me, but I wasn't as invested in them as I am in this one. It's not really an excuse, though. None of it will turn out right if I wind up causing enough tension that no one wants to work with me, as Sarah put it." 

"You'd find other people to do it," Brian replies thickly, and winces at the sound of his own voice. He wonders if that sounded like he was telling Alex he doesn't want to work with him anymore. It's not how he meant it, but he's too embarrassed to risk opening his mouth again. He meant it like maybe Alex _should_ start looking for replacements, someone who'd work a bit better as a serious lead actor than a psych major with crazy ADHD and a chronic inability to stay somber. 

(Alex never seems to believe Brian when he tells him how he's got that Way with people. The way of talking that pulls everyone in and gets them on his wavelength, caught up in his conviction and excitement. Brian, if no one else, has always been particularly susceptible to it. Alex can pull Brian's scattered focus onto him and his plans with hardly any trouble at all - the only problem being that Brian's focus still doesn't look quite the way other people's tend to.)

"Even if I could, it wouldn't work out right," Alex says plainly. Brian looks at him sideways and sees the subtle flush spreading over the taller man's ears. "I wound up with the name Brian for a reason; I'd started taking inspiration from you when I was doing rewrites at some point. No one else would feel right in the role." 

Brian doesn't even get a chance to process that before Alex is barreling on to say, "It wouldn't work if you stopped being you, either." He's a mix of contradictions - serious and earnest in unwavering eye-contact and flustered and embarrassed in the way he blushes and tugs at his ear uncertainly - and all Brian can do is blink dumbly in response. "Some of my favorite footage is when you're just acting like yourself a bit; snapping at you is detrimental for both of us." 

It's weird to think about, mostly because Brian is pretty used to being the guy that everyone likes but no one really _likes_? He's good at people, people like him and he likes them, but he's also still caught in the tendency towards thinking that everyone still thinks he's too weird to actually be friends with. 

(Then again, maybe that's why this filming has been going as well as it has been. Everything Jay wears is washed out and at least one size too big and he's intense and a little awkward more often than not, Tim is quiet and anxious with a scattered attention span that's less like Brian's and more like he's always looking for something out of the corners of his eyes, Alex is ambitious and a little pretentious with a kind of weirdly specific creative vision, and Brian is Brian. Weird edges that manage to fit perfectly with each other anyway. Maybe it's not so weird to think about.) 

Brian realizes that he has no idea how much time has passed since Alex has stopped talking. Alex huffs out an amused noise and Brian wonders if the panic shows on his face, or if Alex had noticed him getting distracted from thinking up a good response the moment Alex had stopped talking.

"You told me off when you found out I snapped at Tim and Sarah, why don't you ever stand up for yourself that way? Especially with me?" he asks, probably to save Brian the agony of trying to remember what he'd said specifically enough to make up a sensible response. 

Brian snorts, the sound still a little wet but still genuine, ducking his head to wipe the lingering moisture out of his eye with the edge of his sweatshirt sleeve. "I cried about that too," he admits, and Alex laughs a little too. "Was worried I'd gone too far with it." 

"You didn't," Alex assures him, reaching over to put his hand on Brian's tricep, squeezing carefully, endlessly gentle. "I get caught up in my head about how things should go - sometimes I need someone to tell me to calm the hell down when I'm being unreasonable." He pauses, then grins. "You seem to get caught up in _your_ head about what other people are thinking about you - maybe you need someone to tell _you_ to calm the hell down every once in a while too." 

Brian laughs too, and it doesn't feel wet or strained this time. "Maybe so," he replies, leaning in a little closer to Alex's chest, just because he can. "Sounds like a perfect match." 

Alex laughs properly at that, slinging an arm over Brian's shoulders and pulling him close, and Brian preens under the warmth of it, the sticky mess of shame in his chest fading under the proof that his fuck up was not irredeemable, that Alex doesn't hate him, that things will still work out just fine. 

It's nice. It's good, to be included and be a part of things and settle safe in the knowledge that - at least for now - nothing is broken and Brian is still wanted. 

He hopes it doesn't change. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is like, peak self-indulgence; and so is me leaving all of my rambling side-tracks in because it helps illustrate the reality of adhd brain; checkmate gamers
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
